It's all about me...

I was really intrigued when I saw psychologist Jean Twenge interviewed on one of the morning programs this past week. I felt like she had been in my kitchen when I was talking to one of my friends. I mean, what she said has been what I have been saying for years, but she has the research and the Dr. before her name to back it up. She said that Narcissism is on the upswing. I don't think I have ever used the word narcissism--it is not really in my speaking vocabulary--but the idea rings true to my way of thinking.

In the book she co-authored with W. Keith Campbell, The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, they show that young people [and not so young people] today have a very positive and self inflated sense of self. She contends this is illustrated by the preoccupation with MySpace, Facebook and YouTube. In other words,

"It's all about me."

Narcissism is defined as [from various sources]:

1. Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See synonyms at conceit.
2. A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
3. Concerned ONLY with oneself
4. A personality disorder in which a person is so self-absorbed that the needs and feelings of others do not matter.

This isn't like a positive self image, which is healthy, it is excessive self-preoccupation and I think what really characterizes it is that the person is not really that interested in other people or what they think or do--they are preoccupied with themselves.

So, what's a parent to do? Some of the things Twenge mentioned are things I have said again and again. When a child loses a game, instead of saying "You always be a winner to me," we should say, "Let's work on that swing and maybe we will get them next time."

Instead of every kid on the losing ball team or swim team, etc. getting a trophy at the end of the season, just have a pep talk about improving, doing our best, etc. Talk about the fun you had, the improvements the team has made, give everyone a pat on the back and go home.

The "fake" trophy makes a child think he [or the team] is great when really he [or the team] needs to do better. The trophys and fake "always a winner" talk really set a kid up for failure.

I mean, they are not always going to be winners. They may as well learn it early--you are not going to win all the time, you are not going to be the best all the time, you are not the prettiest, smartest...and so forth. We can compliment kids on a job well done, but constant affirmation does not do anyone any good and it cheapens real affirmation.

I think Dr. Seuss says it best in The Places You'll Go.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because sometimes, you won't
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly it's, true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you...

And I think this is the message we need our kids to hear. That bang-ups and hang-ups happen.

That the destination is not as important as the journey. We need to stop letting our kids be the little masters of the house, stop letting them have so much control and teach them to be in service to their families and their communities. Chores are a good place to start--as well as showing kindness to others, especially younger family members.

If we can get our kids to think of others and to see that they are an important part of their family and community--instead of seeing themselves as someone who everyone's lives revolve around, the person that the parents put at the center of their universe, we will go a long way to having non-narcissistic kids-kids who have a positive self image, but are not selfish and uncaring of others.

Take care,
Jill

Kids, Allowances and Money...

Money is a funny thing.

It is essential, it is limited, and for most of us, the more we have, the more we spend.

Daughter teaching a craft class to little girls

For kids, it is almost magical. Most kids, especially younger children, don't have any idea of the time and effort it takes to actually get money, or the capacity to understand how to use it wisely.

I am a firm believer in regular allowances for young children and salaries for older children/teens. I hear some of you gasp, but honestly, I don't know how kids can learn to budget, save and spend if they don't have a regular amount of money coming in. I don't think it has to be a lot of money, but it needs to be enough that they can learn to manage it. I have seen the articles saying that a child should get $1 for every year of age, per week, to spend. Honestly, we NEVER gave anywhere near that amount for 2 weeks.

If a 7 year old gets $2.00 every payday--let's say twice a month--and he has to buy any snacks and toys for himself out of it, plus put 10% aside for savings and perhaps a percentage aside to give away, he is learning valuable lessons for less than $50 a year. Not only that, but if he really wants something that costs more than a few bucks, he either has to save for quite a while, wait for his birthday or find a way to generate income on his own. We found our kids could be quite resourceful in finding ways to earn income.

Our daughter babysat starting at about nine years old [she was at a neighbor's and I was home], a few of our children started mowing lawns at age ten and as a family we had a bread baking business for a few years and the children earned money this way. You have heard of the lemon aid stand--some of our kids did that too, or different variations of it. They would ask if I had any extra chores they could do to earn extra money, and so on. I want to talk about chores, but I think that will have to wait for a later blog.

As children age, they should be given more responsibility, as well as more money to manage. It is part of learning to be a responsible citizen. I have seen well meaning parents rant and rave about why kids should not get allowances "They don't need to get paid for doing their chores!" and then
Youngest son selling and enjoying Coke

hand the child a $10 bill whenever the child or young teen asked for it. That kind of money management leaves me shaking my head. I mean, what does that teach? I think it teaches kids to be dependent on someone else to find mercy and give them something for nothing. It does not teach them to save, or plan or have a sense of responsibility about money. It teaches them that dad or mom is a money tree.

Our kids didn't get paid for chores. They had to do their chores. Period. They couldnt' say, "I don't want to wash the dishes, so don't pay me as much." They had to do their chores, and we gave them an allowance because they were part of our family, and family members get an allowance. And doing chores helps to develop responsibility and self esteem.

As the kids aged, when they got to about twelve, the allowance stopped, and a "salary' was instituted. I got this idea from my parents, who did this with my younger sister. I thought it was a great idea.

We sat down with each twelve year old and talked about how they are getting older and so forth. At this time, if we hadn't done it earlier, they opened a checking account and we went to the county clerk's office and got them a state ID. It looks like a driver's license, but they couldn't drive.

Then we wrote down their expenses...things like clothes, youth group expenses, entertainment, gifts, giving, lunch money and so on. We estimated that cost for a month. Then every month we paid them that amount. If a youth trip came up, they had to pay for it themselves. They did not ask us for money, they did not expect us to take them shopping for new shoes or clothes. That became their responsibility. Obviously we still took them shopping, but they could decide where and what they needed to buy and they payed for it themselves.

What usually happened is that if they wanted the latest-greatest tennis shoes they needed to save and probably needed to make some outside income. If they needed/wanted something big, and they talked to us about it, sometimes we would go half with them. My dad called this "writing a grant" and it is something he did with my older kids and with me as an adult from time to time. If we wrote down what we wanted, the price and why we wanted it, he would evaluate and might go half on it. We did not have our kids write the grant, but they did have to come to us with the request and have good ideas for wanting us to go half. Usually it was something big, like a bike or lawnmower or perhaps a big trip.

You don't have to give the kids a lot of money. Our income has always been limited. My husband was the sole bread winner and we had five kids...so we did not hand over lots and lots of money. Actually with a salary, a parent probably spends less because you are not financing every activity, birthday party present and so forth. The kids learn to save and be creative--kind of like "real life." And, you should see how happy they are when you buy them new socks or some sheets for their beds! They do not take these things for granted.

The goal is to help them understand how to manage their money responsibly. I would be naive to think that all my kids applied everything we taught them and never had any money issues after they left home. I am sure my kids have struggled with money, just like most of us--but I think they know the principles that will work, they know how to get on track, how to manage money and not be held a slave to it.

Take care,
Jill

Daughter Kari on far right. She is weaving bookmarks on a homemade loom. She and two friends were vendors at craft fair. This was great business experience. I think she was about 12 at the time.

Chores-The Nitty-gritty...

One thing I would like to make clear is that I do not feel you should tie allowances to chores. Everyone in a family does chores because a family should work together. It encourages industry, team work, a good self image and is valuable training on the road to adulthood. Everyone in the family gets an allowance so they can learn to budget and to save, and to use and manage money wisely. I will talk about allowances in a few days.

[Scotty, 8, taking out recycling and trash]

So, after that disclaimer, let's get going on how to figure out how to do chores...

Take a few days and write down all the chores around the house. Have your kids and husband make a list too, and then after a few days compile the list. Put things down that are done every day and things that are done maybe once a week. The list could look like this:

• Daily-sweep kitchen floor, unload dishwasher, set table, turn on porch light, pick up toys, feed dog, take out trash, clean out car, do laundry, put clothes away, wipe down bathroom sink, wipe down toilet

• Twice a week: vacuum, dust [this could be dust living room one day, dust another room the other day],

• Weekly: sweep porch, scoop up after dog, mow lawn, dust bedrooms, clean bathroom, water plants

OK, now that you have your list. Divide it up among the abilities of the kids. An easy way is to make index cards with each kid's name and put the chores on the card. You can put it on fridge, or laminate, punch a hole in it and tie them together and hang from a nail. The main thing is it should be written down so you don't have to tell them what to do--for non-readers, draw a picture.

An example of how you might assign the chores:

9 year old: sweep kitchen floor, empty dishwasher, vacuum, fold clothes
6 year old: set table, feed dog, take out trash, dust living room, wash down sink and toilet
3 year old: water outside plants with a squirt bottle, pick up toys [with 6 year old], dust low things, turn on porch light

Also, put weekly chores on their card--maybe to do Thursday afternoon or something. The card can have each day on it with the chores for that day, or daily chores listed in one column and then on Thursday you can list the weekly chore[s]--whatever works for you.

Now, here is the secret of making this work. As much as is logistically possible, everyone works at the same time! Don't you just hate to work and see everyone else sitting around eating cookies? It makes work seem worse than it is, and truly work is good. So, to make it feel like we are team, everyone working together, it needs to be done at the same time. In our house, when the kids were little, we worked after supper. [Many people do this before Dad gets home, but at our house, Dad was always home, so we did it after supper.]

So, after dinner the dish boys would start in on the dishes [2 boys], the laundry boy would fold the clothes [he and I did a couple loads each day, then he folded after supper], Kari pick up living room and vacuumed, Scotty would pick up toys other places and put in kids' rooms, someone fed the dog [I can't remember who]--all at the same time! Everyone worked! [Of course, someone had to set the table before supper, but you get the idea]. Generally this took about 30 minutes. Then the house was picked up, chores done, the kids would take their clean laundry and put it in their drawers and then we could all relax for the evening.

When the kids got to be 10th, 8th, 6th, 2nd and 4 years old, the laundry situation changed and after that everyone did their own laundry. I still did Bob's, Scotty's and mine, but by the time he was about 7 he did his own laundry. Then the chores changed a bit.

I have a friend that has 5 kids 10 and under. A couple of years ago [when they had 4 kids 8 and under] I happened to come in during "The 15 minute Flash." This was about 4:30 on a weekday. The kids were buzzing around like bees--the 8 year old was putting away toys and helping the 2 year old pick up toys too. The 4 year old was setting the table, the 6 year old was emptying the dishwasher--she had just swept the kitchen floor. Their chores as supposed to be done in 15 minutes, so they buzz around and make a race out of it. She actually sets a timer! I talked to one of the kids a few months ago, and they have all moved up in chores. So, some of the easy chores have gone to the next child down, and the older child has moved to harder chores. When the Flash is over, they can play till dinner. I think the dad cleans up the kitchen after dinner.

At any rate, I hope this is helpful. The thing is, start somewhere. You can always change, adjust, re-evaluate--see what works for your family. Also, to keep chores down, we did a lot of color coding. Everyone had one glass, in their specific color, that they used all day for misc. drinks. They had a clean one for milk at supper time, but for water/lemonade, etc. all day long, they used the same cup all day. This minimized the dishes and kept the dishwasher so it wasn't constantly full.

I also went out and bought each person ONE bath towel, each a different color. They used this till I washed them. This prevented the misc. towel on the floor-no one admits whose towel it is. We had pegs in the bathroom and each kid put their towel on a peg. A couple of times a week I did a load of towels and then just re-hung them on the pegs. This saved a LOT of laundry, especially with teen boys showering a lot. I know Martha Stewart would cringe at the lack of color coordination, but it worked for us. Just make sure the towels are all light colors so you can wash them at the same time.

I guess that is it--if you have specific questions, please ask. I hope this helps.

Take care,
Jill

Chores and Self Esteem...

I have a theory that kids who have chores have better self esteem. I can't prove it, but I think I can make a case for it.

Everyone needs to be needed and feel they have value. I mean, think about it. Think of the little child that has learned how to feed the dog or fold a towel. They are so proud, they want to tell everyone what they have done. Now, think about the retiree who dies 6 months after he retires. This happens a lot and I have read over and over again how this happens to people whose whole identity is tied to their work. No work-no reason to live.

Work is good.

Inherent in everyone is the desire to be needed, to count, to matter. And work is a big part of this. Now I don't mean you have to get a job. Honestly, there are enough jobs around the house to provide a goodly amount of work. And with work, comes a feeling of being needed and self esteem.

Consider two children-about 4-6 years old. The first child has most things done for him. Oh, he might dress himself and make his own bed, but beyond that, he is entertained and doted on by his parents. They wash his clothes, make his food, wash his dishes, take him where he wants to go--he is the little "master" of the house and the parents work hard to provide him a happy, care-free childhood.

It sounds nice, but this child is more of a pet than a member of the family. He is not really needed and he knows this, maybe not consciously, but he knows it. What is his value? Oh, his parents say he is smart, nice, cute and so forth, but what is his value? His parents will tell you he is priceless, but as years pass, if things do not change, he will feel less and less worthy.

Now, consider a child who has regular chores. He has to feed the dog or take out the trash or wipe down the bathroom on [Kids helping with a family building project] a regular basis. He knows he is important--I mean, what would the family do if he wasn't around? The trash would overflow, the dog would starve, the bathroom would be unusable. He KNOWS he is needed. And, his self esteem flows from that knowledge.

What a great gift to give our children. The knowledge that they are important, they are a necessary member of our family and they are learning skills that will serve them well in the years to come.

And this extends beyond parenting. Consider the youth program at a church. The kids are generally "kept" in a youth room, [Photo above: gardening with Grandpa] have adults conjure up lessons and activities calculated to teach kids about the Christian Life, and then a couple of times a year they do a youth service, or a service project or maybe do some type of _____-a-thon [fill in the blank with walk, run, rock, fast--you get the idea].

And what does this teach? That it takes a staff to entertain youth, that they will be part of the church some day, but right now they need to be kept out of the way, in a fun room with lots of supervision. It drives me nuts.

In some places, mostly smaller churches, things look a lot different and I believe the youth have a greater sense of responsibility. Usually, in these churches, the youth are already part of the church. They are working in the nursery [if there is one], singing in the choir [or playing the piano], helping with ground maintenance, teaching Sunday School, bringing snacks for fellowship time..., in short-doing what the adults do. They are important. They are part of the church now, they are involved in the church service regularly not just on youth Sunday. This gives kids a sense of ownership, commitment and a positive self image. They know they are needed. The church benefits and so do the kids-it is a win-win situation.

My husband pastored three churches like this many years ago, and they were awesome churches. Adults, youth, kids--all were brothers and sisters in Christ, working together and worshiping together. Those churches and the people [of all ages]healthy too.

It all goes back to the same issue. Everyone needs to be needed and feel they have value.

Take care,
Jill

For Chores, the Nitty-Gritty, go here http://jillevely.blogspot.com/2009/03/chores-nitty-gritty.html