The Best Way,,,

I was thinking this morning about a phrase that I say a lot when people ask me about homeschooling.

"It's a great way to raise a family."

Sure there are benefits like more flexibility during the day and during the year. Kids can work at their own pace and they have time to follow other interests. They can get a great education in 1/2 the time and usually don't develop the peer-dependence that many traditionally educated students do--but what I didn't know when we started homeschooling was the unvarnished fact that it is a great way to raise a family.

I am looking at this from hindsight now which is not always 20/20, but I think it does give a more well rounded perspective than we had when we were actually homeschooling.

When homeschooling five kids--4 boys and 1 girl--there is a lot of living that takes place every day. Every day we were together--all day long. The proximity alone can cause stress or it can cause closeness. Everyone needs to learn to pitch in together, everyone needs to be tolerant of everyone else and the older ones need to help the younger. We had to share our rather small house with each other all. day. long. And that is not easy. It is not easy to share parents, rooms, space and every waking minute with the same people, every day.

But...

What a great way to raise a family. What a great way to learn how to share, to learn compassion, to learn to get along. It is also the way we got to really know each other. We know each others weaknesses and strengths, we know how to push each others buttons, but also how to make each other smile.

Chad and Kari shared a section of the upstairs [a finished attic area, roughly divided into rooms without doors, without closets. The closets were in the hallway for everyone to share]. I remember when she was about eight she was trying to make a counted cross stitch bookmark for Bob for Father's Day. She was trying to finish it up the night before, but threads were tangling and she was getting very tired and on the verge of tears.

Chad was reading in his bed and he said, "It's OK Kari, I can finish it up so it will be ready for Dad tomorrow." And he did.

How many twelve year old boys would do that for their sister? He knew how important it was to her. I am not sure many brothers would even understand that because they wouldn't be so in tune with their younger sister. And, what's more, Chad can still recite all the names of the original American Girls when asked! I don't think many twenty-something men can say that! [Probably not many would admit it if they could.]

I think the bonds that were forged over cross stitch, math problems, shared read-alouds, older siblings helping younger and late nights talking and playing in their attic paradise are unbreakable. The kids are mostly grown now--with Scotty [the youngest] turning 20 next month. They get together all the time for game night, movie night, ball games, going to concerts, taking care of each others pets and on and on. Three of the guys work at the same place and all five kids get together every Friday for lunch.

We were a close family before we started to homeschool, and I know a lot of great families who don't homeschool--but I believe with all my heart that for us, homeschooling was the best way.

Take care,
Jill

Photos: Top 1990, middle Chad and Kari, bottom Kari, Scotty and Chad having a story before bedtime.

It's all about me...

I was really intrigued when I saw psychologist Jean Twenge interviewed on one of the morning programs this past week. I felt like she had been in my kitchen when I was talking to one of my friends. I mean, what she said has been what I have been saying for years, but she has the research and the Dr. before her name to back it up. She said that Narcissism is on the upswing. I don't think I have ever used the word narcissism--it is not really in my speaking vocabulary--but the idea rings true to my way of thinking.

In the book she co-authored with W. Keith Campbell, The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, they show that young people [and not so young people] today have a very positive and self inflated sense of self. She contends this is illustrated by the preoccupation with MySpace, Facebook and YouTube. In other words,

"It's all about me."

Narcissism is defined as [from various sources]:

1. Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See synonyms at conceit.
2. A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
3. Concerned ONLY with oneself
4. A personality disorder in which a person is so self-absorbed that the needs and feelings of others do not matter.

This isn't like a positive self image, which is healthy, it is excessive self-preoccupation and I think what really characterizes it is that the person is not really that interested in other people or what they think or do--they are preoccupied with themselves.

So, what's a parent to do? Some of the things Twenge mentioned are things I have said again and again. When a child loses a game, instead of saying "You always be a winner to me," we should say, "Let's work on that swing and maybe we will get them next time."

Instead of every kid on the losing ball team or swim team, etc. getting a trophy at the end of the season, just have a pep talk about improving, doing our best, etc. Talk about the fun you had, the improvements the team has made, give everyone a pat on the back and go home.

The "fake" trophy makes a child think he [or the team] is great when really he [or the team] needs to do better. The trophys and fake "always a winner" talk really set a kid up for failure.

I mean, they are not always going to be winners. They may as well learn it early--you are not going to win all the time, you are not going to be the best all the time, you are not the prettiest, smartest...and so forth. We can compliment kids on a job well done, but constant affirmation does not do anyone any good and it cheapens real affirmation.

I think Dr. Seuss says it best in The Places You'll Go.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because sometimes, you won't
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly it's, true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you...

And I think this is the message we need our kids to hear. That bang-ups and hang-ups happen.

That the destination is not as important as the journey. We need to stop letting our kids be the little masters of the house, stop letting them have so much control and teach them to be in service to their families and their communities. Chores are a good place to start--as well as showing kindness to others, especially younger family members.

If we can get our kids to think of others and to see that they are an important part of their family and community--instead of seeing themselves as someone who everyone's lives revolve around, the person that the parents put at the center of their universe, we will go a long way to having non-narcissistic kids-kids who have a positive self image, but are not selfish and uncaring of others.

Take care,
Jill

Inverse Parenting OR Parenting is not as easy as it looks!

Something has been bothering me for a long time and it is what I call "Inverse Parenting." You see it all the time, but I don't know that it really has a name. I thought about this when my kids were little but felt like I needed to try it for a long time to see if my theory was correct. I am not sure this is scientific at all, but my kids are 19-31 [four sons, one daughter] and it has proved true with us.

Good parenting should look like this...Hold your babies close and as they become aware of more, make sure to impose limits and teach right from wrong. Make sure they will mind you...you know when you say they need to do something they do it, they don't say "no" and get away with it.

You will have to be diligent as "folly is bound up in the heart of a child."But you must be in control, and they must learn to be under your authority.

They will likely be under some authority all their lives, so they may as well learn when they are young.

As the children grow, you can begin to let go, so by the time they are early teens, they have more privileges, can make more decisions, have more freedom. This should increase with age until the child is an adult. At that time, they become accountable to God.

But, what I see is INVERSE PARENTING. This looks like the whole world revolving around the child. The parent asks the child's opinion on many things, lets the child say things that a child ought not say, like "I hate you," or "You can't make me," or "I won't eat this," and so forth. A child may do this and not get away with it, but in inverse parenting the parent looks the other way, or tries to talk the child through it, or thinks it is cute.

As time passes, the child usually becomes more demanding, less respectful of all authority and the parent finds that when the child becomes a young teen they are harder and harder to manage. At this time the parent tries to pull in the reigns, be more strict, set firmer limitations at the very time when they should be letting go. I have seen this over and over again with so many families that I know. And rarely does it work.

These children usually go through a very rebellious teen time, and many times do come out OK in the end, but they sure upset the family in the process. It is so much more enjoyable for the whole family and society in general when the child is obedient in young years. Good parenting is much more likely to produce likable teens and responsible adults than inverse parenting.

I know it is not easy to be consistent with young children. I know it can drain you to correct them and train them-but the rewards are great and I think you owe it to your children.

Take care,
Jill

[Various pictures that make parenting look fun and easy!]

127 Years of Parenting...

I have been parenting for over 127 years and I can prove it!

Parenting is a joy, but a lot of hard work and for a very long time. I would never really want to compare it with a prison sentence--but for the sake of the analogy, here I go...

A person commits, let us say, robbery. He may get a 10 year jail sentence from the judge. But what if he committed the robbery using a gun and a innocent bystander gets in the way of his escape so he takes that bystander as a hostage.

He goes to trial and he is convicted for three offenses:

10 year for robbery
10 years for using a deadly weapon in a crime
10 years for kidnapping

Now he is thinking, I will be in jail for 30 years, I will be an old man when I get out. And then, just before the gavel drops, the judge says two words that change everything..." served concurrently." Now he only spends 10 years in jail because he gets to serve his time concurrently.

And that proves that I have parented for 127 years [kids are aged 31, 28, 26, 23, 19]- I have just been serving my time [so to speak] concurrently. And I should get credit for each and every one of those 127 years because each child is so different. So many different scenarios come up with each child, that it only seems fair that some days, if we have 5 children, we should get credit for 5 days of parenting.

So, for any moms and dads who feel really worn out or feel like sometimes each day can seem many days long [like when everyone has the flu], give yourself credit for more than one day, count one day for each child you have--you are just serving those days concurrently!

Take care,
Jill